The decision to become a Mother

I faced significant fertility challenges in my journey to motherhood. There was never a question in my mind that I wanted to parent children. I did not feel a huge pull for biological children, but I did not feel strong enough to handle adoption in America. The day my first child was born was indescribable. I was so grateful, I was overwhelmed, I was joyous--and I was scared to death.

In my rush to motherhood it never occurred to me that there were going to by emotional challenges involved in childrearing. When my three day old son was returned to me crying after his circumcision, I was bereft. I hadn't spent countless hours researching the subject. I hadn't made sure he had adequate pain control. I had simply blithely signed the form and let them take my little man away for this cruel experience.

I will never forget the way I felt when he was brought back to me. The cold realization that this little person whom I had desired -and worked so hard to have--was now out in the world--and I coudn't control everything that would happen to him. He would experience pain, loss, difficult times--and I couldn't always protect him. It shocked me, and it still scares me until this day.

Before I had children I could never understand the fact that some of my friends decided not to have children at all. A few were veterans of the infertility wars. They had decided that there casualties had been too great and they were pulling out and going home. These people I could empathize with, it was a terrible battle. Win or lose, you emerge with scars.

I had other friends--married--in good relationships--no known fertility challenges--who simply decided that they didn't want children. They wanted a life with each other. These people travel, go to movies, concerts, fairs, and events. I simply couldn't fathom that this life could ever be fulfilling.

Fast forward 10 years. I have four children, and I love them all dearly. I would never give any of them back. But I can now understand that choice. There is a way to be fulfilled in life without procreating. There are ways to have children in your life without having to raise them and put forth the physical and emotional effort of being a main care giver. I see these people in the lives of my children and I know that they are better off for having them. It is amazing what a little time and distance can do for your perspective.