Sunday, August 26, 2012
Should we reconnect?
One thing that Facebook has done has allowed us to reconnect with people from our pasts. Without Facebook I might never know what the girl I knew in third grade is now doing with her life. I bring this up because I recently friended and old boyfriend. This is where it gets sticky. He's had a tough go of things over the past several years and it just sort of depressed me. It got me thinking. Wouldn't some things be better to just keep in my mind as sweet memories from our pasts? Before this he was forever in his twenties and partying. Seeing him as someone middle aged and with real challenges in his life seemed to erase all of that for me. I worry that there will be real changes to our lives if we reconnect with those who were best left in the past.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Today.......
Today we have received some terrible news. A young girl from my son's middle school has taken her own life. After out toddler is in bed tonight we will gather the older three and break this news to them and do our best to answer any of their questions and allay their fears. At the same time we must implore them to come to us with any problems they have and to trust that we will help them to find the solutions. To let them know that mental illness is a terrible thing and if it strikes it can make you believe that a terrible outcome is the only outcome. Today I am hurting for that child and her parents--and dreading having to bring this terrible and adult issue into the lives of my own children.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Divisions
I am homeschooling two of my children in Catholic Catechism, although I have to keep remembering that we call it "Faith Formation" now. My first assignment for my five year old daughter is to teach her the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. I am blanching at this, because this, of course, is where it begins. The idea that a woman is less than, easily corruptible, designed as a helper, created second--it all comes from this one story.
The blogosphere that is filled with "Mommy Bloggers" seems to be of two very distinctive camps. There are those that call themselves "Traditional Moms" and those that embrace a more modern view of motherhood. The two camps seem very entrenched in their particular philosophies and there seems to be very little overlap. In the face of all this, I don't want to teach my daughter a story that may be used against her as she works to attain her dreams in the future.
It is clear to me that these blogs serve a very good purpose. They give like minded Mothers a place to connect and get new ideas about parenting. They offer a place to blow off steam and to recharge. They may be one of the few ways a woman at home with young children can connect with other adults during the course of the day. Even in the face of this, does the possibility exist that these blogs are furthering the divide between motherhood camps?
I want to find a way to teach my daughter that it is ok to be a stay at home Mom if she chooses. It is ok to be a CEO or professional if she chooses. It is ok to be something in between if she chooses. The important thing is that she be the one to make that decision. I don't want her to make it because she thinks a bible story compels her, or because it is the popular movement at the time. I want her to make a decision that works for her particular family at that particular time.
It is my hope that as the blogosphere continues to evolve that we see a greater understanding and sharing among Mothers with less judgement and encampment. I encourage everyone to read blogs written by those who do not look like you, or think like you. I think that a great opportunity to truly learn about new ways of mothering are lost when we connect only with those who share our styles and personalities.
In the end I want my daughter to see that I was able to make the mothering choices that I did because of those women who came before us. I want her to teach her children that some facets of modernity and tradition can exist side by side--but only when women are truly supported in the choices they make--will the divide between camps begin to narrow.
The blogosphere that is filled with "Mommy Bloggers" seems to be of two very distinctive camps. There are those that call themselves "Traditional Moms" and those that embrace a more modern view of motherhood. The two camps seem very entrenched in their particular philosophies and there seems to be very little overlap. In the face of all this, I don't want to teach my daughter a story that may be used against her as she works to attain her dreams in the future.
It is clear to me that these blogs serve a very good purpose. They give like minded Mothers a place to connect and get new ideas about parenting. They offer a place to blow off steam and to recharge. They may be one of the few ways a woman at home with young children can connect with other adults during the course of the day. Even in the face of this, does the possibility exist that these blogs are furthering the divide between motherhood camps?
I want to find a way to teach my daughter that it is ok to be a stay at home Mom if she chooses. It is ok to be a CEO or professional if she chooses. It is ok to be something in between if she chooses. The important thing is that she be the one to make that decision. I don't want her to make it because she thinks a bible story compels her, or because it is the popular movement at the time. I want her to make a decision that works for her particular family at that particular time.
It is my hope that as the blogosphere continues to evolve that we see a greater understanding and sharing among Mothers with less judgement and encampment. I encourage everyone to read blogs written by those who do not look like you, or think like you. I think that a great opportunity to truly learn about new ways of mothering are lost when we connect only with those who share our styles and personalities.
In the end I want my daughter to see that I was able to make the mothering choices that I did because of those women who came before us. I want her to teach her children that some facets of modernity and tradition can exist side by side--but only when women are truly supported in the choices they make--will the divide between camps begin to narrow.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Why do we blog?
We are reading and discussing now in my American Motherhood class about the whole notion and reason for the "Mommy Blogger." For sure we have seen that there is now a great deal of advertising that can be attached to the web page (and the content) of a popular blog. It begs the question of why people choose to blog? Is it just a need to have a voice and be heard? Is it to make money and score free swag for talking up a particular product on your blog? Or is it something more? Is the content of a Mommy blog----literature?
In some ways-writing this blog makes me feel a tiny fraction of what I feel every day before I send my kids off into this world. It makes no difference if they are headed to school, to a friends house, or a sporting event. I feel that they are something that I have created. Some days I spend a great deal of time nurturing, making sure their grooming is top notch, and making sure they have every last thing they will need during the time they are out of the house. Other days I am lucky just to get them to the bus on time. Every time I am nervous. They are a part of me, a creation of mine, a little piece of my heart. Will they be judged kindly? Will others see in them all of the positive attributes that I see? Will they project the image of well cared for, smart, attractive children that I want the world to see them as?
It is the same with writing. We know we will be judged by it. It is crafted not only with our hands, but with our minds and hearts as well. The first time I posted my blog link on a public sphere, I started to sweat. I thought I was going to vomit. It is one thing to post in cyberspace for people you don't know, it is another to open yourself up to criticism from those you know well and care about the most.
The Mommy blog is going to be what the writer decides to make of it. It can easily descend into a Capitalist pursuit, or it can be melodic and lyrically written. Whatever the writer chooses to make of it, you can bet she puts just a little bit of herself into every sentence.
In some ways-writing this blog makes me feel a tiny fraction of what I feel every day before I send my kids off into this world. It makes no difference if they are headed to school, to a friends house, or a sporting event. I feel that they are something that I have created. Some days I spend a great deal of time nurturing, making sure their grooming is top notch, and making sure they have every last thing they will need during the time they are out of the house. Other days I am lucky just to get them to the bus on time. Every time I am nervous. They are a part of me, a creation of mine, a little piece of my heart. Will they be judged kindly? Will others see in them all of the positive attributes that I see? Will they project the image of well cared for, smart, attractive children that I want the world to see them as?
It is the same with writing. We know we will be judged by it. It is crafted not only with our hands, but with our minds and hearts as well. The first time I posted my blog link on a public sphere, I started to sweat. I thought I was going to vomit. It is one thing to post in cyberspace for people you don't know, it is another to open yourself up to criticism from those you know well and care about the most.
The Mommy blog is going to be what the writer decides to make of it. It can easily descend into a Capitalist pursuit, or it can be melodic and lyrically written. Whatever the writer chooses to make of it, you can bet she puts just a little bit of herself into every sentence.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Is this the original "Sandwich Generation" member?
In thinking more about Toni Morrison's book, Beloved, I came upon some new thoughts. The main character of this book is trapped trying to meet the needs of her past and the needs of her present. The returned spirit of her murdered baby daughter is demanding payment from Sethe for the life she missed out on. Sethe's living daughter Denver has immediate needs as well. These all get put on hold while Sethe uses every last bit of her energy in an attempt to pacify the irritated and needy spirit that is Beloved. Sethe is the equivalent of a modern day "Sandwich Generation" Mom.
I think that when we hear that that term it can be difficult to visualize what it means, unless you are in that generation. In a sandwich we have a marrying of many flavors, everyone gets along and you have a cohesive unit that makes for an excellent lunch. I think a better term would be the "Vise Generation." The competing needs of the parents and children can squeeze both the emotional and physical resources out of the adult that finds themselves at the center of this arrangement.
I wonder if we have given much thought to if it is even fair for these parents to expect this type of assistance from their grown children. Our preceding generation at least knows that they have medicare and social security in place to assist them. In most cases their standards of living exceeded that of their parents, and they were able to make a living in many industries that don't exist in the US anymore. With a family today, we have an unbelievable amount of demands on our ever dwindling resources. Food, housing, utility, and child care prices have skyrocketed--and wages have not kept up with the demands. Why are we making additional demands on adult children? What will be the consequences for their children?
I think that when we hear that that term it can be difficult to visualize what it means, unless you are in that generation. In a sandwich we have a marrying of many flavors, everyone gets along and you have a cohesive unit that makes for an excellent lunch. I think a better term would be the "Vise Generation." The competing needs of the parents and children can squeeze both the emotional and physical resources out of the adult that finds themselves at the center of this arrangement.
I wonder if we have given much thought to if it is even fair for these parents to expect this type of assistance from their grown children. Our preceding generation at least knows that they have medicare and social security in place to assist them. In most cases their standards of living exceeded that of their parents, and they were able to make a living in many industries that don't exist in the US anymore. With a family today, we have an unbelievable amount of demands on our ever dwindling resources. Food, housing, utility, and child care prices have skyrocketed--and wages have not kept up with the demands. Why are we making additional demands on adult children? What will be the consequences for their children?
Monday, September 21, 2009
You are mine............
My dear husband has recently posted photos of my 10.5 month old walking on Facebook. He is entirely adorable and we call him Frankenstein because he walks with his hands in the air as if pretending to be a monster. It is no doubt one of those things I will have to write in his baby book or it will be lost forever.
After watching my young son learn to walk and reading the novel "Beloved" by Toni Morrison for about the 10th time, I am contemplating the idea of possession of our children. It seems to me that from the moment of conception, our children are working to take leave of us. Motherhood is the only job I know of where being successful means that you make yourself totally unnecessary.
When you first find out that you are pregnant, you are overcome with the repercussions that all that you have done (or failed to do) can bring about. I didn't know I was pregnant with Luke (and had no plans to conceive again) so I did not take any vitamins or eat all the right foods. I had even had a few drinks before learning he was on the way! Having known every intimate detail of my other childrens conception left me totally unprepared for the feeling of this person taking root long before I realized he was on board.
The feeling of being pregnant is almost indescribable. You feel as if your body is being taken over by something that is part of you...and yet separate. First nourishment goes to the baby, it can take calcium from your bones, iron from your blood, all the nutrients it needs. It is the first lesson a Mother receives in giving to her children first and herself second.
The baby is born and takes leave of it's Mothers body--but the need for closeness (yours and theirs) is acute. A baby needs his Mother's milk almost as much as he needs the nourishment from the placenta. It is a special thing--the milk changes with the age and needs of the baby. It varies from feeding to feeding . It is something made by the Mother exclusively for this child at this time. When the character of Sethe was violated and her milk taken from her--I felt her rage--when so much had been taken from her, that this part of her mothering ability was being taken from her as well.
It seems that a baby growing into a child is a succession of leave taking from it's Mother. It begins with the fact that the need to always be held diminishes. They begin to sit up on their own, to crawl, and then to walk. I guess that is why it is with a bit of sadness that I watch my little boy walking around the house so soon. This is concrete evidence that a baby is a gift for just a little while and with each step he moves a little farther away from me. He is his own person, he never truly was mine to keep forever.
After watching my young son learn to walk and reading the novel "Beloved" by Toni Morrison for about the 10th time, I am contemplating the idea of possession of our children. It seems to me that from the moment of conception, our children are working to take leave of us. Motherhood is the only job I know of where being successful means that you make yourself totally unnecessary.
When you first find out that you are pregnant, you are overcome with the repercussions that all that you have done (or failed to do) can bring about. I didn't know I was pregnant with Luke (and had no plans to conceive again) so I did not take any vitamins or eat all the right foods. I had even had a few drinks before learning he was on the way! Having known every intimate detail of my other childrens conception left me totally unprepared for the feeling of this person taking root long before I realized he was on board.
The feeling of being pregnant is almost indescribable. You feel as if your body is being taken over by something that is part of you...and yet separate. First nourishment goes to the baby, it can take calcium from your bones, iron from your blood, all the nutrients it needs. It is the first lesson a Mother receives in giving to her children first and herself second.
The baby is born and takes leave of it's Mothers body--but the need for closeness (yours and theirs) is acute. A baby needs his Mother's milk almost as much as he needs the nourishment from the placenta. It is a special thing--the milk changes with the age and needs of the baby. It varies from feeding to feeding . It is something made by the Mother exclusively for this child at this time. When the character of Sethe was violated and her milk taken from her--I felt her rage--when so much had been taken from her, that this part of her mothering ability was being taken from her as well.
It seems that a baby growing into a child is a succession of leave taking from it's Mother. It begins with the fact that the need to always be held diminishes. They begin to sit up on their own, to crawl, and then to walk. I guess that is why it is with a bit of sadness that I watch my little boy walking around the house so soon. This is concrete evidence that a baby is a gift for just a little while and with each step he moves a little farther away from me. He is his own person, he never truly was mine to keep forever.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The Pursuit of Perfection
I have spent most of my morning cleaning and reorganizing the playroom that seems will be a part of our home for a few more years at least. As I worked with my daughter putting things back into their proper bins and rearranging things so they would be out of the reach of my 11 month old son. I wondered why it was so important that this be done. It bothered me that for the last two days I had not made the children clean up this room and just let the mess stay. Where does this quest for perfection come from? My children certainly didn't care what the playroom looked like and we didn't have company coming over, but I couldn't achieve a feeling of peace until everything was put away neatly.
Do our husbands ever feel this need? Certainly Lou (my husband) cleans the playroom. He cares that the children are all safe--but he would never be embarrassed if someone popped in and saw that the playroom was in such a state. I think I am slowly starting to loosen these demands that I place on myself. It is necessary for my sanity. I no longer cringe when I get a B on something (unless there are too many of them!)--I understand that sometimes compromises have to be made on this road to a degree and that I must accept that I can't be perfect all the time. Why can't I have that same outlook on child care related duties. I know that my children will not grow up and look back and worry that their playroom was sometimes in disarray? I wonder--do we judge each other? Or are we just judging ourselves?
Do our husbands ever feel this need? Certainly Lou (my husband) cleans the playroom. He cares that the children are all safe--but he would never be embarrassed if someone popped in and saw that the playroom was in such a state. I think I am slowly starting to loosen these demands that I place on myself. It is necessary for my sanity. I no longer cringe when I get a B on something (unless there are too many of them!)--I understand that sometimes compromises have to be made on this road to a degree and that I must accept that I can't be perfect all the time. Why can't I have that same outlook on child care related duties. I know that my children will not grow up and look back and worry that their playroom was sometimes in disarray? I wonder--do we judge each other? Or are we just judging ourselves?
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